During a car ride 12 years ago, my husband and I had a disagreement followed by a nasty quarrel. Hurtful and demeaning words were exchanged and a losing battle began. Then a still small voice uttered “a gentle tongue breaks a bone” (Proverbs 25:15), literally on repeat mode. It was our youngest son, strapped in the back seat. Then he was only 4. He had spoken life and calmed the storm.
On another occasion, our same son drew a picture and shared it with me. When I saw it, I yelled at him because I thought he had said that “God is scratching his bum”! Being quick to anger and judgement, I rebuked him for being so irreverent and careless, preached continuously on the consequences of dishonouring God and demanded he say sorry. In tears and desperation he spoke louder and pointed to the picture again and said “God is scratching here (pointed to palm), mama, and your name is written on it” (Isaiah 49:16). I stood frozen with guilt, breaking down instantly as I realised I had hurt him, possibly even causing him to doubt God’s love and grace!
Our tongues have the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). Words or lack of words can hurt or reveal our disinterest in the person. Relationships break down and we end up misrepresenting God.
Understanding our young ones and building them up is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks of parenting these days. When their words and actions seemingly work against us, I am often guilty of reacting with an awkward silence that echoes “I’m not happy, just too busy” or sometimes with discouraging and unkind words, which shoot out like sharp arrows that cause long term wounds. These words result in physical and emotional distancing between us, possibly spiritually distancing our children from daddy God! Instead of reflecting on myself, I often blamed the consequences on their rebellious nature. I would justify their reactions as normal because of puberty or that they are simply growing up! But God revealed the truth that our words or lack of words have been damaging and we need to speak life! Our words can revive their hearts and bring healing to those internally wounded (Proverbs 15:4).
In this challenging season, with circuit beakers and families "locked in" together, it is especially painful to witness how we use words to judge and condemn, with our children watching and listening. It has been tough for families to cope with differences and manage expectations. The removal of counselors as part of essential services, resulting in the lack of support can be daunting for many. Our young ones are struggling!
They need us more than ever before. Emotional and mental confusions can be tormenting, especially when the ways of the world do not align with the teachings of God. Even though their outward words and actions reflect the opposite of “yes, I need you”, their silent screams are crying out ‘help’! They struggle to cope with friendships, self-esteem issues, unspoken fears and so much more. They need constant encouragement and support. Together with gentle correction, our words can heal! With patience, we can draw them back to the Father.
But we struggle as parents, why?
We lack encouragement ourselves
Our personal emotional tanks are empty, hence we struggle. We yearn for human affirmation to fuel us! We need to remember that human encouragement is only temporal and fades away! Where the world may condemn us as failures or being in lack, God sees us as precious, fearfully and wonderfully made in His image (Psalm 139:14). God's love is constant! No matter how we have been stripped of things that we try so hard to cling on to, God's only desire is to lavish that love on us. Choose to embrace that undeserving love (1 John3:1)
We are bound by the past
What others have said or done to us live in our memories. We need to surrender them at the feet of the cross! Don’t let our loved one fall victim to the same words that bind us. Words that compare us, words that demean us, suggesting we are useless, weak or ugly are damaging. If we are not careful, negative comments like “you will never get there” or “you will never change” can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings destruction. Let go of the past (Isaiah 43:18). Don’t let our past chain us, causing us to deprive our children of the freedom Christ has given.
We conform to the world
Flee from the world’s perception of success or acceptance. Do not conform and allow it to rule the way we raise our children but align our thoughts and actions with God’s good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2). Feel for them and hear their struggles. Cast aside our worldly opinions and selfish desires, for we will drown them, we will cause them more confusion and stress. Press the pause button and offer up our own desires as a sacrifice pleasing to God (Romans 12:1). We who live in the Spirit, should not allow our sinful nature to determine the thoughts we have, the way we raise our children (Romans 8:5)
We are prideful
Pride blinds us from seeing the good in our children. Pride leads us to condemn more than praise. Pride says “I am in control, not daddy God”. It denies our children access to forgiveness and causes us to harbour long-term bitterness when we fail to exercise grace. We begin to build walls within our homes that separate one from another. When prideful living becomes a habit, we lose our vocabulary of praise.
How can we speak life?
Be encouraging
- Be diligent to praise our children! (Proverbs 13:4). Work at it and be intentional to bring out the best in our children, even when moments of disappointments overwhelm us. Believe that our maker has destined them for His good purpose that is yet to unveil.
- Observe and acknowledge praiseworthy moments. Commend every act of kindness or words of compassion that were not noticed before. When they least expect it, our praises spur them on in love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).
- Create opportunities for them to shine. Our children, like us stray away. Focus on their strengths and intentionally create moments where family and friends will notice the fruit of the Spirit in them. One who may be triggered and be angered easily may feel so much for the elderly. Encourage him spend more time to serve and love the elderly! (virtually for now). Another may be constantly bullied and discouraged. Encourage him to be a voice for others. Help him see how God can use his situations to testify and bless others (Genesis 50:20).
- Affirm every effort of positive change. No one is perfect. At times we may be disappointed by our children's actions and hurt by their words. Those moments blind us from seeing the good in them. Press the pause button and don't give up believing in God's greater purpose (Romans 8:28). Take courage to acknowledge every baby step of change. The journey of transformation is far greater than the destination itself. Verbalize our pride and joy over the steps our children are taking. No matter how small we may think. Rejoice with them!
Correct and rebuke
We are called to train up our children in the ways of God (Ephesians 6:4) and direct them in the path of righteousness (Proverbs 22:6). We are given the authority not just to encourage but to rebuke when wrong (Titus 2:15). No one likes to be the ‘bad cop” but we are called to be a voice for God to lead His children back to truth and life! so what should we do?
-Tune in to our children. We need to be quick to listen and slow to anger (James 1:19). Just as we wish to be understood, instead of being judged or condemned, our children wish that too. They may have given in to their sinful nature, but we must offer them a chance to explain. We must listen to their silent screams of fear and guilt instead of choosing to ignore their cries for help or show contempt towards them. Choosing the latter will cause walls to be built between us, silencing future conversations.
-Be patient, be gentle. Through patience, we can persuade change, through gentleness of the tongue, we can win them over (Proverbs 25:15). Just as we are imperfect, do not be harsh and quick to judge. Instead, be patient, with gentle counsel.
Seek to Reconcile
-Forgive our children. Love them unconditionally. Just as Christ loves us and erased our sins, let us speak forgiveness over our children and seek to reconcile (Colossians 3:13). Forgiveness speaks life! Forgiveness brings them hope for the future. Laying down our pride to forgive reflects the unfailing love of God. A forgiving heart gives room for repentance and brings a closure to the past chapters and releases us and our children to freedom.
-Seek forgiveness. We need to reflect if the reason behind their misbehaviour or rebellion is a hint of our negligence or negative role modelling in parenting. The plank in our eyes must first be removed! We can be the cause of their defensive responses, we can be guilty of bringing the worst out of them! We must lay down our pride to seek forgiveness from our children. It will bring reconciliation and courage for them to move on. It will release healing. It will help our children understand and embrace the true meaning of the cross.
Don't give up!
This is no easy journey. Words do not come easily. We will meet rough terrains. We will be challenged along the way. But don’t quit, don’t give in. We can overcome. Keep speaking life till we and our children become the blessings God has gifted us to be. Believe in the power of life-giving words. Just as the word of God revives, breathe life into our children.
Blessings!