“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”
(1 Thessalonians 5:18)
You love me Lord I know
You love me Lord I feel it
You love me Lord it’s true
You love me Lord, You love me
~Amy~
The song was finally completed in 2014, after many years of struggling and wrestling with God over my loss of voice, that stripped me off what I loved most, that was teaching and singing.
I was a well favoured secondary school teacher, who loved teaching and conducting choirs. However, in 2005, I was diagnosed with vocal nodules that were so advanced that I had to stop teaching immediately, lest would lose my voice forever. There was not much of a choice, if I ever had wanted to recover. Slowly, I sunk deep into depression, forgetting the ONE who loves me, saved me and gives me hope.
I was an angry mother, a complaining wife. I rejected any words of life that were spoken to me and doubted if God really cared. He did. He still does, His love never fails, and never gives up and we can never be separated from God (Romans 8:38-39). I ran away from Him, I refused to worship Him, because I doubted that He loved me. By 2005, I had lost most of my voice, left barely with 5 notes to pitch with and speak with. I felt paralysed. My voice was what had given me success, I thought. My voice brought me much attention and love. My voice brought me joy as I believed then it educated many young ones and brought them hope as my teaching helped them excel in all they did! I was wrong. My accusation of God being selfish, unkind and unloving was uncalled for. My outcry of hopelessness that flowed out of the songs I wrote then and music I played was unfair to the ONE who loves me so much. I was ungrateful and blind to notice that those were the most precious times I ever had, when my husband and children gave me so much attention, showered me with love. I could not verbalise “Thank You”, “I love You Jesus”, “I know you love Me”…until one day in 2007.
I was playing at my piano and listening to a live recording of a song that we had written, titled “Your Love never changes”. My three little children then aged 7,5,4 went into the room with big sister Annie and in a matter of simply 5 minutes or less, they came out of the room, each one passing me a set of lyrics and pleaded with me to play on the piano and sing with them. The next moment I knew, I began to sing “Jesus I love you”, “My Jesus, my saviour, how wonderful, powerful, beautiful You are”, “Dear God, I love praising You, I love singing to You. Thank You lord for trees, my mommy, daddy and me”. As I did that, my tears began to roll down like a waterfall and I realised I was worshipping and I began to speak life and hope back into my life.
God is such a clever God. He knew my heart had been hardened as I was so angry with Him. He had tried all means to get me to open my heart again to Him through friends and church, but still I was angry and proud and rejected being loved. He thought of a plan, used my cute little children who “tricked” me into opening my mouth to verbalise what really had never left my heart, the knowledge of His Love and the truth that I love Him but was too angry to forgive myself for all my accusations of God and refusal to be forgiven by the ONE who loves me so much! I was set free that day and understood what freedom meant! I knew once again that God loved me, I felt His embrace and His words of life and Love came alive once again.
Slowly, but surely, God healed. And 7 years later, the song “Thank You Lord” was written, reflection of my thanksgiving to all that Jesus has done for me. A reminder of His goodness and mercy (Psalm 23:6) that will follow everyday of my life. Deeply grateful for His forgiveness over my rebellion, grateful that I am alive and breathing simply because depression that is sunk deeper could have ended my life, but instead, his gentle and loving Grace has saved me. He has restored and redeemed the once lost, once blind, but now I see His Love, I know His love, I feel His love.
For how great is the Love of the Father that He has lavished on us to call us His children (1 John 3:1).
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